


The Talk

by Ghaughty



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Healthy Relationships, M/M, Self-Esteem, Talking, Understanding Magnus Bane, Worried Alec Lightwood, communication is key, discussion of sexuality, past bad parenting, pet me like one of your cats, sexy caresses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-14
Updated: 2017-08-14
Packaged: 2018-12-14 22:50:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11793123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ghaughty/pseuds/Ghaughty
Summary: Magnus has noticed that Alec doesn't really seem to be into this. Making out is about as far as he'll go without getting uncomfortable. Magnus doesn't really mind at first - after all, his shadowhunter hasn't been out of the closet for long and Magnus knows he's a lot to get used to. But it's been months now, and Alec has never moved his hands further down than Magnus' shoulders. Why is he still so nervous?





	The Talk

**Author's Note:**

> This little scene has been rolling around in my head for a while now. I thought about trying to fit it into My Thoughts are No Place for You, but that story isn't quite at this stage yet and it just wouldn't fit. So I decided to write it down anyway and make it into a one-shot because it just wouldn't go away, and then it grew and went a lot deeper than I expected it to.
> 
> There's something about these characters, they hijack my muse and write themselves.
> 
> I'd also like to point out that I am not bi or pan, and any conclusions that I've drawn about bisexuality and pansexuality are the results of my own research and may be wrong. Let me know if I missed the mark completely.

Magnus can tell that Alec is nervous. Anytime they get a bit too handsy during a make out session on his couch Alec’s eyes always widen in fear, his heart starts thumping faster than would be expected from arousal alone and, most telling of all, he starts making this almost inaudible whining noise. It’s not the good kind of whining that means _you’re not giving it to me fast enough_ , it’s the bad kind of whining that means confused and afraid. When this happens, Magnus always throws himself dramatically backwards with a deep breath let out slowly, then he chuckles and looks at Alec with as much fondness as he can muster.

“We better slow down a little,” he says, though he doesn’t really want to.

The fleeting look of gratefulness that flashes through Alec’s eyes and the way the tension bleeds out of his shoulders tells Magnus that he’s made the right decision.

~*~*~*~

“Yeah,” Alec agreed from where he was still sitting on the opposite end of the couch after one such make out session, his voice rough with the edge of lingering arousal. He reached for the TV remote and switched it to another channel. While they had been otherwise occupied, the news program that had been playing had moved on to celebrity gossip. Magnus did like hearing about all the scandal that was rife in Hollywood and beyond, but he knew Alec found it distasteful. It didn’t matter; he could buy a magazine or look it up online later.

Some action movie was playing, and Alec settled on that. “This okay?” he asked, his head turning towards Magnus in a way that made him look absolutely adorable.

“Sure,” Magnus replied, letting himself tilt sideways until he was leaning against his boyfriend. “I haven’t seen this before.” Alec hummed in agreement, his eyes already locked on the screen as he put an arm around Magnus’ shoulders.

This was enough for now, Magnus told himself as he let the warmth of Alec’s body heat surround him. All he really needed was Alec by his side, the rest would come eventually.

~*~*~*~

They had been going out for months and still, Alec seemed to panic at the thought of going further than first base. Magnus was… not annoyed. A little put out, maybe. Definitely horny and frustrated.

But mostly he was worried. Did Alec not see him that way? Was there something wrong? Was Alec hiding something deep in his past that was affecting their relationship now? Was this the result of being so deep in the closet he was practically in Narnia, and then not only coming out but blowing the damn doors off?

It was a mystery to Magnus. Surely Alec was comfortable enough around him now that a little groping wasn’t a big deal?

But as the two of them crashed through the door into Magnus’ loft, Alec’s hands staying on Magnus’ shoulders and his arms linked only around his neck, he froze up again as Magnus pushed him against the nearest wall.

This couldn’t go on.

Pulling back slightly, Magnus looked up into Alec’s uneasy eyes. “You okay?” he asked, breathless. Alec didn’t respond. Stepping further back again, Magnus trailed his hand down Alec’s arm to link their fingers together. “Come here,” he said, leading his boyfriend to the couch. “Sit with me. Tell me what’s wrong.”

Alec collapsed heavily on one side of the couch, his face drawn and worried looking. Magnus rarely saw Alec looking anything but calm and in control; he was the head of the New York Institute, he couldn’t afford to be anything less than stoic. In a way, Magnus was glad that Alec was comfortable enough with him to show that he was uncomfortable. It was a far cry from the angry young man who had denied the truth of himself so vehemently.

He was still a young man, though; one that had been repressed quite thoroughly for the majority of his life. Magnus knew that Alec had trouble with expressing himself. It was something Magnus had been trying to work on over the past few months. Little things, like asking him his opinion on what to eat for dinner or asking him to pick a movie. Alec had been so far out of his comfort zone that even those small decisions seemed to scare him. It was the exact opposite of his personality at work. At work, he was reliable, cool, calm and always knew exactly what to do in any given situation. He had the respect of his people with his ability to be quick witted and reasonable; he was their captain and he was incredibly competent when it came to steering his ship.

His personal life was another matter. It was like he used all of his confidence up at work and had none left over when it came to Magnus. So Magnus did what he had to do: he pushed.

Alec still hadn’t said anything. His eyes were glued to the floor, his face still had that pinched look. His shoulders weren’t exactly up to his ears, but it looked like he was fighting hard to keep them down.

“Alexander, talk to me,” he tried again. “Are you alright? Is something wrong?”

He shook his head, Adam's apple bobbing as he swallowed. His mouth opened as if to speak, but he choked on the words.

“Okay, it’s okay. Take your time,” Magnus tried to reassure him. “I love you, Alexander. Whatever’s on your mind you can tell me.”

“I don’t know,” he whispered. He was staring at their joined hands now, and Magnus gave a light squeeze. Alec squeezed back automatically.

“I’ve noticed that you tend to get quite anxious whenever my hands start to wander a little. Can you tell me what it is that makes you uncomfortable?”

“I just…” Alec started, his eyes still focused on Magnus’ rings. “I don’t know. I’m not used to being touched, not like that. Not by you. I never thought I could, and the feeling is kinda… alien, I guess? I thought the feeling might go away, but it’s been months and it’s still there. And then my imagination runs away with it, and I start imagining what happens next and I can’t really understand it all and it’s a big deal and I’m sorry I’m messing this up so bad.”

“Hey,” Magnus said softly, his hand coming up to tilt Alec’s face towards him. “You’re not messing anything up. I promise you that. All there is is a bit of a problem which I think is maybe rooted in a lack of communication, and that is easily fixed.”

Alec still looked troubled, but he wasn’t flinching away from Magnus’ touch. With a small smile, Magnus ran his thumb over Alec’s cheek before he dropped his hand again.

“Now, from what I could gather there are a few things you’re worried about. Firstly, that you aren’t used to being touched like this. I guess growing up in the institute meant there wasn’t a lot of time for hugs?”

Alec shook his head. “I mean, I get the occasional hug from my mom and dad. And Izzy hugs me all the time. And I get various pats and man hugs from Jace and a few other shadowhunters. And there’s the parabatai tracking, which I think is as close to real intimacy as I’ve ever gotten. That’s about it.”

“I see. Well, if that’s your total experience with human touch I guess I can see why me pawing at you would be a little startling. It’s probably just a case of getting you used to it.”

“But it’s been months already!” Alec groaned. “Shouldn’t I be used to it by now?”

Magnus shrugged. “Maybe, maybe not. Everyone is different. Plus, I think there were some other things that were freaking you out a little. You said that your imagination goes a little haywire. Do you start imagining us having sex, and that intensity scares you?” Alec’s sudden and extreme blush was a clear enough answer. “I’ll take that as a yes,” Magnus chuckled.

“It takes me by surprise,” Alec admitted quietly. “I mean I’ve imagined it,” he glanced briefly up at Magnus, his blush deepening. “But when you’re actually touching me it’s different. It’s more intense, more vivid. And it goes from nought to sixty in half a second flat. It leaves me feeling really out of control.”

And if there was one thing Alec wasn’t used to, it was being out of control. Magnus could see the problem now.

“Okay, so let’s lay out some ground rules.” Alec’s eyes darted back up to Magnus’ face, his expression now less fearful but looking very confused.

“Ground rules?” he asked. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, my dear Alexander, that you live a life governed by rules. You always have, and you always will. As I said to you once, I know I’m a lot to get used to, especially as you’ve never done this before and we’ve never actually talked about sex. I can see why flying by the seat of your pants might not be the most comfortable. So what I’m proposing is that we break it down into things you’re comfortable doing and things you’re not comfortable doing. Maybe things we need to talk about more as well. Let’s sort our relationship into boxes for you.”

Alec blinked at him. “People sort their relationships into boxes?”

“Sure,” Magnus replied, moving to clasp Alec’s hand between both of his. “Why not? It’s good to know where we stand. Maybe it will get to a point where almost everything is in the ‘comfortable’ box and there’s hardly anything in the other boxes but for now, it’s probably a good idea to have some structure as we find our feet together.”

For a moment, Alec was as still as a statue. Then suddenly his eyes darted away, a look of concentration on his face. Magnus settled more comfortably into the couch, waiting patiently while Alec mulled it over.

He didn’t have to wait long. “Okay,” Alec said softly. “What did you have in mind?”

Magnus grinned. “Oh, all the naughty things we might ever want to try.” Alec’s eyes widened in alarm. Magnus let out a laugh. “But how about we start with the basics. You feel comfortable kissing me, yes?” The other man nodded, a small smile replacing his startled, wide eyed expression. “And the making out? Tongues and all?” Alec nodded. “Okay, so then what about some light groping?”

This was where Alec usually stumbled when they were actually making out, and Magnus was curious as to what was really going on in his shadowhunter's head.

“Umm, define light?” Ah, a whole mess it seemed.

“Over clothing,” he replied. “Shoulders, chests, backs… basically the whole torso. Maybe some butt squeezing as well.”

“I…” Alec’s face contorted into a strange look. “I would probably have to get used to it,” he admitted. “But I’m not opposed to the idea.”

“Good,” Magnus said. “So if we do start making out again and it gets a little more heated than you’re used to, you let me know, okay? We can slow down until you’re more comfortable. I can just pet you like one of my cats until you’re purring.”

“Well, if it’s good enough for the Chairman,” Alec grinned sheepishly.

Magnus let out a startled laugh. “That’s the spirit,” he grinned.

“So what else were you thinking?” Alec asked, looking a lot more comfortable. Ooh, but Magnus had to change that.

“Well, after light groping I suppose the next step is heavy groping. How do you feel about touching each other's dicks through our clothes?”

Alec turned red again.

“No, I mean I don’t know. I mean… maybe?” Magnus nodded.

“Something to work up to, then. That’s okay.” He tried to give Alec a reassuring smile. He saw his shadowhunter relax ever so slightly. “What about the removal of clothing? A little light groping, but shirtless?”

“I mean, I guess? After I was okay with, y’know, the _light groping_ I suppose that’s not too far a stretch. I could probably do that, in time.”

“Time is something we’ve got plenty of, Alexander. We can take all of it that we need.” Alec’s grateful smile was sweet. That was one of his smiles that made Magnus glad to have met the man.

“What else?” He asked after a beat.

“Hmmm… I suppose then it’s on to steadily getting more and more naked. The removal of pants, working up to the removal of underwear and full nudity. And of course more groping.”

There was a brief pause as Magnus waited for Alec to voice his opinion. “You do like the word _groping_ , don’t you?” Magnus shrugged.

“If you want to call it _sexy caresses_ I wouldn’t object. Why, do you not like the word _groping_?”

“It’s fine, I guess,” he mumbled, looking flustered. “Less awkward than _sexy caresses_ , anyway.”

“Doesn’t matter what we call it, I just like getting my hands on your gorgeous body,” Magnus grinned. He wasn’t disappointed by the pleased flush that spread across Alec’s face and down his neck. He had a small smile on his face at the compliment, and Magnus wondered if body image was another factor to consider. Magnus was hot and he knew it; plenty of people had told him so. But he guessed that Alec had never gotten many compliments on his impressive physique, certainly not from men. Jace was another factor to consider; like Magnus, he knew he looked good, and it was possible that a lot of the attention of the females had gone to the blond-haired, blue-eyed legend of the shadowhunter community instead of towards Alexander. That was something Magnus would have to correct, as well.

Alec cleared his throat, probably in an attempt to move the conversation on without actually having to say anything. Magnus took pity on him, but at the same time decided to intensify that flush.

“Well, that only leaves a few more things to cover until we have the basics down. After we achieve full nudity, how do you feel about handjobs?” Alec choked on nothing, his face flaming. “Hmm? What about blowjobs and rimming? Do you want to top or bottom, when we get to that stage?”

Maybe he had pushed it a bit too far. Alec had his hands up now, covering his blushing face and looking like he was either going to bolt or hit something. Magnus just stayed still, letting Alec calm down a little and get himself under control.

It took a while but finally, Alec dropped his hands from his face and gave Magnus a halfhearted glare. “That was evil,” he said plainly.

“A necessary evil, my dear. These are important things to think about. And besides,” he continued in the face of Alec’s scowl. “If you can talk to me about these things you might find yourself feeling more comfortable. It’s always good to know where you stand, both for me and for you.”

For a moment Magnus wasn’t sure that Alec would reply. He was expecting him to get up and leave, saying he couldn’t do it, that he would call him tomorrow. Instead, his boyfriend flushed an even brighter red and dropped his head, mumbling something.

“What was that, sweetheart?”

“I said,” Alec said, voice still a little too soft but now with a determined look in his eye. “What’s rimming?”

Magnus froze. Now that was something he hadn’t considered. He knew Alec was inexperienced but apparently, that was putting it lightly. Then again, growing up in the institute probably didn’t leave a lot of time for researching gay sex techniques. Not without getting caught and put in a very, very awkward position. Magnus was only now starting to understand just how out of his depth Alec was.

Alec was watching him warily, embarrassed anger colouring his features now. Magnus shook himself out of his daze; he would have to approach this delicately.

“Rimming is oral sex that is focused on the anus.” At Alec’s alarmed look, Magnus was quick to reassure. “Hey, it feels amazing. And with the right preparation, it tastes just fine.”

“P-preparation?” Alec asked, now looking more fearful.

“Yes. You know, cleaning up? There are various ways to do it. The simplest from my point of view is, of course, magic.” He clicked his fingers and a shower of blue sparks appeared. “Instant and non-invasive, unlike enemas. But a shower or even just a wet wipe will often suffice.”

“By the Angel,” Alec moaned, hiding his face again.

“Don’t be embarrassed, Alexander. It’s a butt, the most natural thing in the world. Everybody has one.”

“But _still_ ,” he complained, face still hidden in his hands.

“If you’re that worried about it, there’s always flavoured lube.” That made Alec raise his head slightly to give Magnus an indecipherable look. “Personally I like the strawberry stuff,” he added, just for the hell of it. “It tastes nothing like strawberries but it tastes pretty good anyway.”

“By the Angel,” Alec muttered again, although he didn’t look quite as flustered as he had before. In fact, he looked kind of intrigued.

Deciding that he may as well see how far he could push it, and if it turned out to be a bit too far he could claim it was a joke to lighten the mood and back off accordingly, Magnus made like he was about to stand up.

“I’ve got some in my bedroom if you want to try it,” he said, a shit-eating grin on his face.

Alec jerked upright, his mouth hanging open in disbelief. Magnus lingered on the edge of the couch until Alec eventually gathered enough strength to say “what the Hell, Magnus?”

“I’m kidding,” Magnus replied, sinking back into the cushions. “Well not really,” he amended. “I do have some strawberry flavoured lube in my bedroom and you can totally try some if you want, but you don’t have to.”

“We’re not talking about it anymore,” Alec said with conviction. Magnus shrugged.

“Okay, oral sex to be revisited at a later date. That just leaves the top or bottom question. Which would you prefer?”

Alec’s face didn’t quite get any redder, but it wasn’t cooling down any either. He gaped at Magnus, totally lost for words. After what was probably only a few seconds but felt much longer, he replied: “I don’t know. I can’t really… what do you prefer?”

“You can’t what? Picture it either way?” At Alec’s nod, Magnus let a soft, fond smile come to his face. “That’s alright. Think about it, okay? Maybe you’ll find that you have a preference. I’m a switch,” he added. “I enjoy both pretty much equally.”

“Right, the whole bisexual thing,” Alec muttered to himself.

“Actually being bisexual has nothing to do with it,” Magnus replied, even though Alec hadn’t directed the comment at him. “You can love all genders and still class yourself as either a top or a bottom. Yes, maybe technically you top women, but if you only want to bottom with a man then you would class yourself as a bottom. It’s a personal choice, and personally, I like to do both.”

“I’m sorry,” Alec stuttered. “I didn’t mean to…” he trailed off. “I guess I don’t really know what bisexual means.”

“It’s alright,” Magnus reassured him. “There’s a lot of prejudice around being bi. Some people associate it with being unfaithful, that being attracted to two or more genders means there’s more competition. Personally, I see it as falling in love with the soul regardless of what body it’s in.”

“Two or more? I thought that was, like, pansexuality?” Alec asked, his face going back to that previous uncertain look. Magnus better fix that, Alec was obviously back out of his comfort zone to a larger degree than just flustered.

“There is a lot of overlap between the two,” Magnus conceded. “If I wanted to I could probably label myself as pansexual. But that label is fairly new; I’ve identified as bisexual and fought for the rights of bisexuality for a long time. There’s a lot of history in the term bisexuality that there isn’t in pansexuality. It’s a personal choice, and while I have been attracted to people that don’t fit into the gender binary, I must admit that gender does play a bigger role in my attraction than pansexuality would suggest. Does that make sense?”

Alec was looking down again, this time at his own entwined fingers. “Would you be more attracted to me if I was a woman?” he asked suddenly.

Now it was Magnus’ turn to gape. “Alexander,” he said softly, trying to stall for more time to come up with an answer. “If you were a woman, you would be different,” he said eventually. “If you still loved me, then you would only have to contend with loving a warlock and not that you were also a gay man. You would have been raised differently, probably you would have different ideas about the world and different experiences with it. If you were a woman then you wouldn’t be _Alexander Lightwood_ , and so no, I guess I wouldn’t be attracted to you in the same way because you wouldn’t be the same person. However,” he added as Alec looked up, his face broadcasting his distress at Magnus’ answer. “If a Seelie were to appear suddenly, right here and right now, and blow some sort of gender reversing powder in your face that instantly transformed you into a woman, then I would be attracted to you in exactly the same way. Because you would be exactly the same person, just in different packaging.”

Magnus could feel himself holding his breath. That was about all he could say on the matter, there wasn’t much more he could do to reassure Alec that it was his soul he loved. While he loved that Alec was a man it didn’t really matter because he would love Alec as a woman too. Perhaps not in the same way, as he had said, but that didn’t mean he would love _her_ any less. Really the only other thing he could do was actually find a gender-shifting spell and put his money where his mouth was, but that was a tad extreme and Alec would probably not appreciate it.

“Okay,” Alec said quietly, after what felt like a lifetime of silence. “I think I understand what you mean.”

“If you were a woman I would love you differently, but different doesn’t mean that I would love you any less,” he reinforced, not sure if he was repeating himself. Alec nodded.

“I believe you. I guess it’s sometimes kinda hard to understand that you love me. I mean, you’re Magnus Bane, the High Warlock of Brooklyn. And I’m just Alec, the eldest son of ex-circle members and my family’s biggest disappointment.”

“Alec,” Magnus sighed. “You’re so much more than your parents. They were circle members, that’s on them. You hadn’t even been born then, and you didn’t even know until years after the fact. It’s unfair of your parents to hold their mistakes over you, to make you feel as if you aren’t doing enough to repair the damage that they themselves did. Trust me, I have known a few Lightwoods in my time. The family name is not as disgraced as your parents seem to think it is. Besides, you’ve done plenty to prove that you’re worthy of the respect that your name holds. You don’t have to try hard, Alexander, you’re doing fine. Your leadership is effortless, you have the respect of your people.”

Alec glanced uncertainly at him. It seemed that self-esteem was indeed an issue that Magnus would have to work on. Alec put on a good show, but his parents had been pushing him for years to be more than he was, despite the fact that he was already exceptional. It was getting better now: Isabelle had told him what Maryse had said to her, about being brave and finding love like her brother had. That surely helped a little, but the damage had already been done to Alec. Bravery could only get you so far before your personal demons caught up to you.

“I don’t always feel like I’m doing enough,” he confessed. “And I know it’s kinda ridiculous; I’m the head of the Institute, for Pete's sake. But I’ve been pushing myself to get better, be more, and I don’t feel like I’ve reached that yet.”

Magnus snorted. “What, you want to be the new Inquisitor? The head of the whole Clave? A full-blooded, honest to God angel?” The Nephilim threw him a dirty look. “Alec, you need realistic goals,” Magnus continued. “You’re in your early twenties and you’re already in a pretty significant position of power. You’ve matched your parents, and you have years left to go further if that’s what you really want. They have no say in whether or not your achievements make you successful or not. You are already successful, in so many ways.”

Alec sighed, his shoulders drooping.

“I know,” he said, rubbing one hand down his face. “Logically I know that, but it doesn’t always feel that way.” He looked back at his boyfriend and gave him a soft smile. “Thanks for listening to that little rant.”

“No problem, happy to help.” And he was. In recent years long, boring life stories from his potential bedfellows had been deal breakers for a night of fun. But here, now, he was happy that Alec could share this with him. The emotional intimacy was far greater than the simple physical pleasure of such encounters, and Magnus found that he had missed it. He had missed an actual relationship.

Alec bit his lip, and then carefully slid across the couch to sit closer. Magnus opened his arms, and Alec let himself rest against Magnus’ chest. His hands went behind Magnus’ back to lock onto his shoulders, and Magnus let his arms fold naturally around the shadowhunter. He could just about rest his chin on Alec’s head, which reminded him of his earlier comment.

“If I’m going to pet you like the Chairman, then I need to be lying down with you sprawled over my chest,” he said. He felt more than heard Alec’s chuckle: no doubt he was remembering all the times he had seen that very thing on this couch.

“Okay,” he said, unhooking his hands from Magnus’ shoulders and waiting for him to get into a more comfortable laying position. Then Alec carefully lowered himself along Magnus’ side, one hand on the couch beneath them and trapped by their joint weight, the other next to his face where it lay on his boyfriend's chest. Magnus gave him a minute to get settled, and then let one arm lie across Alec’s shoulders while the other one went to his hair.

He felt Alec tense slightly at the contact, but he drew his fingers across the young man’s scalp as he combed through his hair and he felt him relax again.

After a few minutes, Alec started making soft noises of contentment and Magnus couldn’t help but hold him a little tighter in response.


End file.
